The Highway Elf

Many moons ago when the earth was flat, Santa wasn’t always what he appeared to be. Santa used to be a thief. All through the land everyone feared the end of the year. They knew that there was that one night of the year when that little fat bandit would break into their homes and steal everything they had. He would steal knives, clubs, silverware, and anything of value. There was even that one year that the young maiden Vicky claimed he stole her virginity! Although that one has been disputed several times. There was only one way to keep the little obese sucker away. You had to leave alcohol and food out for him. It was common knowledge that Santa loved his brew. If you could get him drunk enough he would forget what he was doing and pass out somewhere for the remainder of the night. So at night they would leave out a bottle of home brew and food. The children were never nestled or tucked in their beds. Cause they were afraid of being peed on again.
One year Santa and Mrs. Clause had a huge fight and Santa went on a 3 day bender! He knew that he only had one night to gather enough loot to support his family for the entire year! Last year when he wrecked halfway through, Mrs. Clause beat him till he was black and blue. So this year he had an idea. He hollered at Obama his favorite elf. Obama wasn’t a native of the North Pole, but had somehow produced a birth certificate that showed he was at least born there. Obama was the go to elf. If Santa needed to fire someone or screw them over, he would send him right over. Obama could not only get the job done, he could make them beg him to do it! He was even known to make them think it was their fault! There was even that one time that Obama had convinced the entire village of elves that since Santa had a bad back and Mrs. Claus couldn’t work because of a felony on her record that they should support them. Well since Santa knew there was only one way he could screw an entire world over in one night he hollered at his boy Obama and they saddled up a couple of Reindeer and took off on their crusade.
Obama wasn’t near as polite as Santa though! He never snuck into a house! He would beat on their door until they woke up! He then made them gather all their stuff up and load it themselves onto the sleigh. But he knew how to accomplish this without a fuss. He told the rich that he was going to take from them to give to the poor. He told the less than rich that they were giving to the poor and then he just took from the poor! Then he found those that had absolutely nothing because they did nothing and gave them a little of what he had. This way he could say he was redistributing the wealth. It was an awesome plan and Santa couldn’t have been happier! That was until the accident!
Santa had more loot than he had expected and it looked like they were gonna finish in record time. Then as they were flying over a remote section of what one day would be called Arkansas, Obama got greedy! He spied a quaint little Indian village below! Obama figured they could swing in there real quick, pretend to be some kind of magic spirit and talk the natives out of their stuff. He was wrong! For this was the earliest branch of rednecks in the world! This was a bunch of wild hard living, hard drinking Indians. When Santa rolled up they gladly welcomed him into their lodge where he was given all the smoke and drink that he could stand! And when they were all toasted Obama jumped up and told them his plan to help out the needy this year and how he wanted all the stuff that they had worked hard for their entire lives. The wily redneck Indian Chief known as “The Duke” had a wonderful idea. He told Obama to back the sleigh up to their storage teepee and they would load him up! Santa was pretty lit and curled up with 3 little chubby squaws so little Obama harnessed up the team and pulled around back! It was then that they caught the little half-wit and tied him to an evergreen tree! They then got all the loot and dropped it down the top of all the teepees in the village. They shot all the reindeer but one! They placed the ole fat Santa on this small ugly reindeer with a red nose and sent him back to where he came from! The villagers had a huge feast on Reindeer and all the children awoke to find toys had been dropped into their home. They all assumed it was Santa who did it because he had been there with a sleigh full of stuff earlier. That was the year that the legend of Santa changed. For the following years Santa would bring them gifts to cover up his horrible secret. It turns out he had sold out Obama in trade for….well lets just say Santa got what he wanted. Right before dawn they lit the tree on fire to get rid of the little half-wit and all the evil he had brought to their village. But he did scream out something that sounded like a chant or maybe it was a curse.
He sang!
I am a Highway elf
On the sky’s I did ride
Many peoples were duped my me
But the basturds burnt me on a Christmas tree
Perhaps I will be an elf again, or a highwayman, sailor, dam builder or star ship pilot.
Or else I may simply be a president
But I will remain
And I'll be back again, and again and again and again and again..

REST IN PEACE MY BROTHERS IN BLUE

Today as the sun rose upon the horizon two brave law enforcement officers kissed their families goodbye and went out into the world. They entered a world that for the most part despises them. They were met by people that have determined law enforcement to be a nuisance. They are like deer to these people. Everyone wants to see one in season, but after that, it just spells disaster on the road. The same falls for the law enforcement officer. He is welcomed with every 911 call, but when seen on the highway people hate them. These guys are glared at and people call them every name in the book behind their backs. It appears maybe they wrote someone a ticket before or maybe arrested someone’s brother or cousin. The officer is considered heartless because how could he dare do the job he is paid to do. The problem is people see these officers writing tickets or breaking up fights, or even taking someone to jail. They do not see them when they roll up to a fatal accident or homicide. They do not see them when they recover someone’s mom, sister, or child out of the raging waters. They do not see the tears that these brave men and women cry into the darkness. After today, they will not see Deputy Rhyne or Officer Crouse doing anything. These two fine law enforcement officers were gunned down for no reason today! They were murdered on American soil by Americans. These murderers then had the audacity to commit suicide directly afterward. It just seems to reason, that if you’re suicidal, just kill yourself. Our brothers in blue do not want to die with you. Even though they have decided to live their lives on the edge, they do not need you to push them off the side. So as each one of you put your children to bed tonight, I want you to think of the children of these officers. Imagine what they must be feeling at this very moment. They were robbed of the most important thing in their entire lives by a thief. Only this time the valuables cannot be returned. So the next time that you see an officer doing what he is supposed to be doing, smile at him, wave at her, or just say thank you. They do not expect that from anyone, but I can imagine it will help them stomach the next bad thing that they must digest at work for you! And let’s not forget our brother in blue Jessie Ricks who dedicated a large part of his life in serving the community! May god watch over his weary soul! RIP