Ok for some of yall that know me, the title is misleading. I'm really not writing a blog about someone or something taking a huge dump. Instead I thought that because of someone I know getting viscously attacked by a mentally challenged skunk, I would write about what not to do in the forest to avoid an untimely encounter with a crazed animal. Most of this stuff is common sense. The only problem is that most people don’t have that stuff. Apparently everyone missed the clearance sale on it at Wally World. So here it goes.
For starters and since this is February I wanted to let everyone know that Arky the Ground Hog is in no way related to Punxsutawney Phil. We all know that Ole Philly boy is an antagonist and a liar. He is always trying to stir up the public in February. I am saddened to say this is when Hate crimes against Arkansas Ground Hogs go up. Just last week I found where someone had suffocated one with a snow ball. I mean what kind of behavior is this. What does this build? It builds hatred. When the ground hog revolution happens don’t blame me. I tried to warn yall!
Whats next, Oh yeah. Yogi the bear does in fact like steak and beer. Some of our old timers like to bait them with sardines. I have learned from experience that these overgrown coons like t-bones and Budweiser. So if you're in the woods…Do not bring those items with you! I have also had some confusion between people mistaking our brown black bears for Grizzlies. So here is the most tried and true methods I know. If you see a bear and it starts to chase you, climb a tree. If it climbs up the tree and kills you, It’s a Black Bear! If it knocks the tree down and kills you, well it was prolly a Grizzly after all. I also read in a magazine once that if you find bear poo and it has berries and veggies in it, it is prolly a Black Bear. If it has fleece in it and it smells of pepper spray, it is prolly a Grizzly! Has any of you guys ever wondered why Smokey the Bear never had children, cause everytime his wife got hot he would hit her with a shovel!!!
Ok for those of you that live in the southern part of the state, watch out for the gators. Yeah just because they look cute and cuddly doesn’t mean you should try and pet one. These suckers are fast, fast like the wind! When you see a gator charging at you, you should do a Forest Gump run and get the hell outta there. I had someone try to tell me one time you should run in zig zags to confuse the gator. You have got to be kidding me. What kind of idiot runs in a semi circle when being chased by a 400 lb reptile? I do believe that rumor was started by an alligator hunter who was trying to fatten up his alligators!
I believe that during the fall everyone knows what kind of animal we have the most problem out of. Yep this fellow has only one desire. He wants to cause as much trouble as he can. I'm sure yall already guessed it; "The Wood Chuck" That little squirrelly fellow has been chucking my wood forever. He chucked three ricks of my wood last winter. And what does he do when he gets caught. The little sucker just chuckles to himself!
And last but not least watch out for the wiley skunks. They have been known to spray women and dogs! I'm not sure how to prevent this, but I do know what not to do. I have a friend whose wife loves cats. The problem was that her husband and children were allergic to them. She went out one day and found this beautiful black and white cat and was gonna play with it while her husband was asleep. She thought I will play with it and go to work and the cat smell will were off before I get home this afternoon. Well the strange cat lifted its fuzzy tail and sprayed her crazy butt. She then ran in the house and made up a story how the skunk attacked her. I'm not gonna say her name to protect her from ridicule, but it rhymes with Cila!
