Property

       All right, I was reading walla go where someone was wandering why women change their last name to their husbands when they get married.  Well it kinda surprised me when I googled it and there wasn’t a clear answer.  Yeah they had some cool answers that would have satisfied the normal person, but I'm not buying it.  There was one in particular that you know is close to the truth.  Women used to belong to the man.  It was his family.  He was the head of the household and the wife and the children were his. (For better or worse.)  Everyone that knows the story of, Ruplestinskin knows that there is always a catch.  Yep, it's kinda like buying a rattle snake.  It sure sounds cool till you get it in your hand and the dang thing bites you.

            Ok so we used to own women. No big deal.  I also have owned baseball cards, cars, houses, dogs, cats, and I think I am part owner in a diamond mine in Nigeria.  All I have to do is send them my bank account stuff and they are gonna send me my money that is owed to me!  Cool huh.  So what did we pay for these women?  It costs us ONE RIB!  That’s right; you guys ever wonder where the old saying an arm and a leg come from.  It comes from the fact that since we gave up a rib for a woman that we would also give up other stuff.  I used to joke around about trading off my left testicle for something I wanted, till the vasectomy doctor actually took it!!!  Ok he didn’t actually take it, but I wasn’t watching so there is no telling what he took out of there!

            Anyhow back to the fact that we now own our wives.  Yeah but here are some issues that one must look at when purchasing a new wife.  First off what is the resale?  Will it be worth the same in 20 years?  Time and weather take a toll.  Ok what is next, maintenance!  The maintenance is different on every one.  Some can get by on next to nothing and some take every penny you got.  I'm not saying it is a bad thing, I know some women that if they didn’t get a new paint job every morning, they would look like a rusty old car!  You're laughing but I have seen it.  And she wonders why her husband sleeps in every morning.  He's hoping she will wake up first and put on her make-up.  Lol ok that was funny but I think I took it too far. 

            Just like in the old sitcom Green Acres, you are stuck with what you get and have to make the most of it.  Yep, it is going to be a headache and your prolly gonna want to strangle someone from time to time.  But I think in the end you know that is where you want to be.  A woman really doesn't mind being an extension of a man and he really doesn't mind letting her use his rib. The name change is just a tradition we follow so we do not lose track of where we are supposed to be.  As long as a family has the same name they are one.  I remember Tesa was bound and determined to keep her last name.  I agreed to take it, if she would give me back my rib plus one more.  I guess since she took my last name we know what happened huh!

Anger Management

Not original, but I really like this guys technique!!

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello..'

I politely said,
'This is Rick
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
The last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down
With the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
Calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
And hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'

I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
Saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

The Nazi Mouse

It all started a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know how it lasted this long.  I thought we were prepared and that this kind of thing would not happen to us.  I mean this happens to other people right.  Wrong!  I can still hear Tesa's screams echoing through the house.  I raced back to the kitchen and there she was.  Her face was as white as snow and she had this terrifying look in her eyes.  I calmly placed her in a chair and after a few minutes she began to tell her story.

            She had been washing dishes and out of the corner of eye she saw something move to her right.  She spun around ready to fight whatever intruder had snuck up on her.  Only she knew she was no match for this fellow.  He was too quick.  Like a flash he leapt off the counter and fled to safety somewhere near the microwave.  Yep he stood about two inches high including his ears!  He had a long narrow tail and scraggly fur that would have made a beaver shiver.  Best we can tell he was a highly trained German spy mouse.

            I thought about explosives because I know they can do some damage to an unsuspecting intruder.  I had some left over stuff from the 4th of July.  I felt sure a 10 shot Roman candle would do the job.  Tesa disagreed with me and felt they might ignite the varnish on the cabinets.  My next thought was poison.  I have used poison before in the past and I knew it would do the job. I did have small children now and I was worried they would eat up all the poison and there wouldn’t be enough for the Nazi Mouse.

            There were just two options left.  I would have to hunt it or trap it.  Well I had my pistol with the Daisy red dot scope.  I waited for several days and nothing.  He had dropped off the face of the earth. I figured he knew I was on to him and he had rejoined his terrorist's cell.  They were prolly half way across the Atlantic by now.  It wasn't until yesterday that he entered my mind again.  I had found an old mouse trap and decided to set it out after dark.  I knew that since he was highly intelligent that I would need something unique to get him onto that trap.  I put back a French fry that was left over from dinner and set my trap ready for the kill.

            Early this morning the girls got up and went into the play room like usual.  Since Tesa was still in bed I cuddled up next to her.  It was then that I heard my baby girl yelling Dadeeeeeeee, daeeeeeee, she was also running into the bedroom.  I could hear her jabbering Daeeee over and over again. I could also hear something jingling.  She climbed in bed with us and started to climb over daddy to get to momma.  It was then that I felt something smooth and cold drag across my cheek. I opened my eyes and seen that Laykin was holding the mouse trap and the dead mouse was dangling over my face.  The freakin tail was lying on my cheek.  I might have screamed and knocked the mouse into the air.  Tesa woke up and started into a hysterical fit.  I think she might have even got nauseous.  I grabbed the dead Nazi spy and threw him into the trash. 

            All day I have been laughing about it and Tesa refuses to speak of the matter.  The only thing I can figure is that the trap sprung killing the mouse and flew off of the counter.  Laykin stumbled into the kitchen and found a strange creature.  She tried to tell daddy, but since he didn’t come in there she brought it to him.  After she and I disinfected ourselves, I gave her the talk about the 11th Commandment: Thou shall not bring a mouse unto Momma and Daddy's bed!

Old Willie

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be hookers

Don't let 'em pickup strangers and truck drivers in lots

Make 'in with doctors and lawyers and such

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be hookers

They'll never stay dressed and they're always on a pole

Even with someone they don't know

Hookers ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold
And they'd rather give you an STD than diamonds or gold
Lonestar nipple clips and old faded thongs

And each night begins a new day
And if you don't pay her and she don't shoot you
Her pimp will prolly jack you anyway

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be hookers

Don't let 'em pickup strangers and truck drivers in lots

Make 'in with doctors and lawyers and such

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be hookers

They'll never stay dressed and they're always on a pole

Even with someone they don't know

Hookers like smoky old hotel rooms, trucker shower

stalls
Little warm whoopee's and sometimes girls at night
And them that don't know her, won't like her and them that

 do

Sometimes won't know how to take her
She ain't pretty, she's just different but her pimp won't let

her
Do things to you that are free

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be hookers

Don't let 'em pickup strangers and truck drivers in lots

Make 'in with doctors and lawyers and such

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be hookers

They'll never stay dressed and they're always on a pole

Even with someone they don't know

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Hookers