Superstitions

Earlier today I was driving around and saw where someone had run over a black cat.  Now cats are pretty quick and usually when they get ran over it is on purpose.  So why would someone run over a defenseless little kitty.  Because if a black cat crosses your path, you will have bad luck.  I figure someone saw the cat run out and they ran over it before it could fully cross their path.  Pretty smart huh!  Uh yeah, if your twisted brain works like mine!  According to the dictionary, Superstition is an irrational belief arising from ignorance or fear. There are superstitions for almost all aspects of our daily lives and most have unknown origins. Sometimes they are logical (for example, don’t walk under a ladder) but most of the time they are ridiculous.  

            I thought I would list a bunch of them and maybe find out why they are so and what we can do to counter act their freakin bad luck.  Growing up I have come across people that will swear by this crazy stuff.  I don’t know if it is my Indian heritage or my redneck heritage, but I feel like I have some of these etched in my brain and I must follow them.  When many of you guys read some of these, your gonna think, this stuff is whack.  Then you'll go about your lives trying to avoid breaking the unspeakable superstitions that control and haunt us.

           

• If you break a mirror, seven years of bad luck will follow. (The way to counter act this is to find someone you don’t like and throw the mirror in their yard.  Not sure if it will break the curse, but it will sure aggravate them!)
• If you drop a fork, a man will come to visit you. (Being the straight guy that I am I got rid of all the forks in the house!)
• If you drop spoon, a woman will come to visit you. (I just dropped two so maybe my old teenage fantasy will come true!!!)
• If a bird flies into your house a death will occur.  (If a bird flies into your house, you should get a couple of pellet guns and some beer.  This could be fun)
• If you sweep under someone's feet, they will never marry. (Ok, how the hell do you sweep under someone's feet)
• If you peel an apple without breaking the peel i.e. cut around the apple so that the peel is in one long piece, you should throw the peel to the ground and if it lands in the shape of a letter of the alphabet then it is the initial of the person you will marry. When you peel an apple say the alphabet and the letter that you are on when the peel breaks is the initial of the person that you will marry.  (Alright if you are depending on an apple to get you a date, you're in trouble.  I would suggest you invest in a hot apple pie instead)
• When your palm itches, you will come into some money. (I don’t think my palm has ever itched, maybe that is why I'm poor!)
• Two deaths in the community will be followed by a third. (Yeah I kinda believe this so every time two people die, I try to be on my best behavior)
• Never say "thank you" when someone gives you a plant or it will die. (And I thought Tesa just couldn’t grow a plant.  It turns out she is just too polite)
• If you carry a hoe in the house, you must carry it out the same door you came in by, or a death will follow. (This one is true.  Tesa once told me if I ever brought a hoe in the house she would kill me!)
• Two things that can come to no good end, a whistling woman and a crowing hen.  (This one is based on fact.  If you notice they both involve females. So basically having a female around will come to no good end)
• If all the food on the table is eaten it will be a clear day tomorrow. OR If all of the biscuits were gone before the next day, the weather would be fair. (Probably more accurate than my weather man and at least now I can have a say in the weather)
• If you start to go somewhere and come back for something you will have bad luck. (This was started by a married man whose wife nagged him every time he forgot something.)
• If you count the number of rigs in a funeral procession you will soon have a death in your own family. (I gotta quit doing that)
• If two forks are laid at a plate with no knife you will be invited to a wedding. (But if two hoes are laid, then you will be invited to a divorce)
• Cats go crazy when a death occurs in their environment and consequently are kept out of the house on such occasions. (They're kept out of the house because their hair sticks to black clothing)
• Never begin a task on a Friday that you can't finish that week, or expect ill. (Just don’t do anything on Fridays..Duh)
• If your ears itch or burn, someone is talking about you. (If your ears itch and burn you either have a wax build up or maybe a STD has spread to your ears.  And if this is happening people probably are talking about you)
• A peculiar noise heard three times in succession at night, means someone will die.  (In the hood, they call those gunshots.  And someone is prolly holding the gun sideways, so it took three shots to hit the sucker)
• If you spilled some salt, you picked some of it up and threw it over your left shoulder to stop bad luck from coming. (Never stand behind someone with Parkinson's)
• When a black cat ran across the road in front of you, you would say BREAD & BUTTER ON MY TABLE, CUT IT WITH A BUTTER KNIFE if you could not turn around and go another way, or bad luck would come to you. (Just run over the cat)
• Dirt was never swept out the front door after the sun went down or bad luck would come to your home. (Buy a steam Mop)
• If a sparrow flew into the home, it had to be killed or someone in the family would die. (Back to my theory on the pellet gun and beer)
• You never walked under a ladder or bad luck would come to you!  (Construction workers are notorious for being nasty people and throwing stuff off the house, I say don’t even go near a house with a ladder)
• You could not step on a crack in the sidewalks, because it would break your mothers back. (There are some hateful kids out there, I mean who really thinks of that)
• If salt was borrowed from anyone, you paid it back with sugar or bad luck would come to you. (Try paying them back money. That is prolly what they wanted anyway)
• A baby was never allowed to look in a mirror before it was a year old or it would die. (UHH, This one is kinda freaky, so I'm leaving it alone)
• You always say so long or I'll see you later, & never goodbye, when leaving family members or you might never see them again. (Thinking about trying this one out! Lol)
• If a woman was pregnant she never went to a funeral or she would mark her baby. (Ok that is just stupid)
• You never tickled a baby's feet because it would make it stutter. (I knew it it wasn’t my my my fault fault!!!)
• If you reach for something high on a shelf while you are with child,you can choke it with the Umbilical cord!!  (Lazy women thought of this one!)
• Rabbits feet are lucky.(Ok lets think about this. The rabbit had them first and he was murdered. So they prolly aint gonna bring you much luck either)
• If a large number of snakes appear, it is bad luck!( No shit Sherlock. Get the heck outta there)
• If you buy shoes for your lover they will walk out of your life. (That is why I keep my wife barefoot and pregnant, She aint left yet!)
• Splitting poles- When you and a friend are walking and one of you goes on the other side of the pole, it's supposed to mean danger will come to one of you. (I guess it is better to push your friend into the pole)
• If you murder your business partner his ghost will haunt you.( No, wait, that was an episode of X-Files. Never mind.)
• Never wash clothes on New Year's Day and always eat black-eyed peas and greens. (Once again women where lazy and anything to get them out of doing laundry or cooking a full meal)
• Don’t put your purse on the floor or you'll go broke. (Yeah but the guy that stole it  will be rich)
• If three people are photographed, the middle person will die first. (Who wants to be the pivot man anyway!)
• If you point to a rainbow with your finger, you're getting a bump on your finger. (And if you pee on one you get herpes.)
• Its bad luck to give someone a knife in their hand, put it on the counter so that they pick it up.(Duh, people got sick of getting stabbed)
• Never close a knife that someone else has opened.(If you do you must cut yourself 3 times or you can cut them)
• If your nose itches, someone wants to kiss you. (Said the nerd with a booger hanging out of his mouth)
•  If the clasp on your necklace has turned to the front, someone is thinking of you. (They're thinking fix your necklace)
• If you find a bunny in your yard, a distant relative will marry a Finnish Diplomat in September.
•  If a spider is in your pants, you will hop around and scream. (Now that one is self explanatory!)

The Holidays

Most of the time I do not get into holidays.  I find that most of them are just so we can spend our money.  I mean if I do not buy my wife a bunch of roses on one day of a whole year, does that mean I don't love her.  I could pay a truck payment with what some of these roses cost nowadays.  I bet those rose growers make enough money in February to float them through the rest of the year.  Maybe they can get a reality show similar to Deadliest Catch.  Yeah I can see the new rookie out there in a thunderstorm fighting off the thorns to pick the perfect rose.  That is TV worthy!  I do however love Christmas.  It is that time of year when people can forget about themselves and think of others.  There are times that certain people in my life are just hard to be around.  Just the thought of them makes you want to strangle them and their first born.  But around Christmas I try to appreciate people for who they are.  I also think about the people that are no longer with us.  After the loss of someone, we begin to go on with our lives.  And it sounds bad to say, but with time we do not think about them so often.  The holidays force us to face the fact that our loved ones are no longer with us.  And with the loss of them we lose certain traditions.  There comes a time when Momma won't be there to fill your stocking any more and there will be no more going to Grandma's on Christmas day.  When you start to lose the head of the family, the family starts breaking off into their own families and the traditions start all over again.  There are certain traditions that I dearly miss and I will always cherish them.  I also have noticed that we are creating our own traditions.  We drink hot chocolate on Christmas Eve with our children. We also go look at Christmas lights as soon as it gets dark!.  Then on Christmas day, I make breakfast and we head to Papaw Charlie's House.  I know one day that we will be the grandparents and my children will bring their children to my house.  I will have become a tradition with them.  I am OK with that and I hope that we are given the chance to be the best tradition ever!   To all my friends and family, I love you guys.  I hope that the holidays bring more happiness than sadness and that we all find a reason to celebrate the holidays.  Lets also not forget who is turning 2010 this year.  My daughter Lexi got it on the first guess. 

Santa repeals Don’t ask Don’t Tell

             I don’t know how many of you guys have been watching the news, but congress and the Obama administration are taking away the old don’t ask don’t tell philosophy in the army.  Well as everyone knows the U.S. is always paving the way in situations such as this.  Well Ole St. Nick was not to be out done either. As soon as he heard about this little scheme that the U.S. was cooking up he ran the same law through his counsel and he signed off on it last week.

            As of right now with the passage of the law code name Operation Gerbil, anyone or anything in the north pole can be openly gay.  A lot of the secret homosexual organizations up there like the so called "South Pole Gang" can now meet in public.  That’s right the elves are coming out of their small closets and wearing their purple uniforms to work everyday.  There were a few surprises, but I think everyone knew that little Eddie was gay from the start.  He was always the first in line to sit in Santa's lap.  He was always color coordinated, and well he was a Bengal's fan!  In fact when someone needed a shoulder to cry on, little Eddie was there.  The problem was he always took his shirt off and you had to cry on his bare shoulder…..

            The biggest surprise was Donder.  He came right out of the closet and said it's about time.  This really bothered Blitzen who had been harnessed in front of Donder for the past hundred years or so.  He requested to be moved.  Well Donder decided if they were gonna move around, why not put Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer right behind him.  Since Donder was Captain Rudolph agreed because he wanted to make sergeant one day!

            The next problem arose in the recruits bunk houses.  There were several recruits that really like shower time.  So they were given separate shower times.  Jesse Jackson flew up there and he joined up with Peta.  They organized the first nude march of the North Pole to speak out against unlawful segregation.  The march was a big hit and they are planning another one for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday!  After that except for the Enzyte scandal things started to return to normal.

            Santa's head elf explained that he is excited that things are back on track.  They have a new line of Bert and Ernie dolls that are sure to be a big hit.  They were given the peoples choice award of best toy at the annual Christmas party.  They even figured out a way for Donder to open his mouth when Rudolph was right behind him.  The light shined straight through.  I think if the North Pole can overcome these obstacles, so can our military!

The Thin Blue Line

Last night I was at Christmas Party for law enforcement officers and at some point the officers started showing off their cop tattoos.  So it got me to thinking.  What is the thin blue line and why is everyone so wrapped up in it.  I did a little research and found a definition that listed what every part of the symbol meant.

The Blue represents the officer and the courage they find deep inside when faced with insurmountable odds.
The Black background was designed as a constant reminder of our fallen brother and sister officers.
The Line, the line is what cops protect, the barrier between anarchy and a civilized society, between order and chaos, between respect for decency and lawlessness.
Together they symbolize the camaraderie law enforcement officers all share, a brotherhood like none other.

            No doubt that definition is well written and hits the nail on the head.  But what does it mean to us.  I think last night was proof what it means.  There was a room full of people that were in the law enforcement field.  There were police officers, deputies, troopers, DTF, wildlife officers (The Best One), dispatchers, jailers, secretaries, and even one phone man!  But when you looked at each one there was a story to be told with every one of them.  These stories have been twisted around so much over the years that I doubt there is little truth left in them!

            There is always the dispatcher that sends you back-up without you even having to ask for it.  The jailer that meets you at your unit to help you wrangle some crack head out of your car.  As for the fellow officer you know when you get in a fight that he will be there right beside you until the end.  If he's not there, he probably crashed his car out trying to get to you!  I know that just about every officer has the same fear of hearing their comrade holler for back-up and for a few seconds you don’t know where they're at.  We also can't forget our secretaries that wade through all the crap we turn in to them and make sense of it all. Lol  I do believe I could recite a funny story for most of everyone that was there last night.  I won't because what happens at Beth's stay's at Beth's (Even Hondo's Lunch).

            I guess what I am trying to say is that a picture of a blue line or a pretty poem is not what we stand for.  That line only means something when it's stamped on the arm of an officer.  It only means something when you look in the eyes of an officer's widow.  It means when you hear one of your buddies has been involved in a bad altercation, you really don’t rest until you hear their voice and know that they're ok!  It is the feeling you get when you arrest someone who has abused their spouse or children, or the drunk that is driving in the wrong lane when you pull them over!  There are also the disasters and wrecks that we work.  You look over at your partner and you know that he just had to look in the eyes of a child that has taken his or her last breath.

            When I look at a blue line all I see are the faces of the fine individuals that I have stood beside over the last few years.

I confess

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even Jaycee;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with duct tape,

In hopes that the children would not pull them down again;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of snickers bars danced in their heads;

And mamma in her 'panties, and I in my skibbies,

Had just settled down for a winter's nap with the babies

When by the door, I heard someone open the dead lock,

I sprang from the bed and grabbed my Glock.

Away to the window I shot like a flash,

Bullets tore threw the shutters making a nasty gash

The blood on the breast of the new-fallen burglar

Gave the lustre of crimson on my living room furniture,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a dead driver, who wasn’t lively or quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than Christmas, my training kicked in

and I looked through my night sights at the reindeer;

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prance and Vixen!

Down, Comet! Down Cupid! Down, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the skinning rack, then mounted on my wall!

European or full shoulder mounts for you all!"

As pooling blood on the floor soaked into the carpet,

 I grabbed the body and screamed dammet;

He must've skipped out on his diet,

because I had to use the kids' wagon to haul it.

And then, in a twinkling, I had an idea,

I grabbed my shovel that I used for my career.

 I dug a shallow grave trying to not make a sound,

Down the hole St. Nicholas rolled with hands bound.

He was dressed in an old sheet from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with blood and gunpowder soot;

A bundle of toys I took off his back,

And I  used a pocket knife to open his pack.

My eyes -- how they twinkled! A budlight I did drink,

My hands were still bloody, so I washed in the sink!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when I kicked him like a bowlful of jelly.

Along came a deputy with lights a blazen,

And I got nervous when I saw him, in spite of my raisen;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And we split all the loot; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

He gave me a nod, indicating it was time to close;

I burnt his sleigh, just like an ashtray,

And in the night as the good deputy drove away.

 I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
I would like a new bag of patience for Christmas.  I am down to my last one and I do not believe that it will last very long.  I began to notice my supply getting low the other day and my wife noticed today and was sure to point it out to me.  It appears that you have to have this to operate machinery, work in law enforcement, and raise a family.  I am afraid if I use up my last little bit then I will have to quit one or the other.  I believe some criminals this year may have stolen some of it while I wasn't looking.  There was also that 20MPH driver that I hurled some at trying to get the sucker to speed up.  I wont say what I did to the guy that forgot to use his blinker today.  It is also quite possible that my wife and kids have been slowly looting my supply for years.  In my younger years I did not use as much therefore I thought there was no need to try and conserve it.  I have been abusing my stash too much lately and I'm afraid that Walmart will be sold out this close to Christmas. I knew there was some on sale on Black Friday.  When I got there, the little old lady in front of me got the last one.  I am ashamed to say that I tried to take it from her. Apparently her stash was low too and she beat me with her cane and threw her false teeth at me.  I also found some at the dollar store, but it was not of high quality and wore off quickly.  I have decided that you are my last option.
Thanks,
You know who

Julian-Assange

How many of you guys have been following Julian Assange on the internet lately?  If you said no, then you are blind, or you just don't give a crap about anything going on in the world.  This dude is a freakin terrorist as far as I am concerned.  He paid someone to steal confidential files and then posted them all over the world.  To top that off, there are people that are viewing him as a hero.  He moved past the part where he was exposing corruption and started posting gossip just to make money.  I also noticed that he is a pervert.  We should probably just let him off because he is famous huh.  Well it worked for Michael Jackson.  He was given free range to molest as many children as he could just because who he was.  There were even parents who kept taking their children to him after he paid off the children he molested.  I guess ole Julian could pay off these women so he could get out of it.  If he was innocent, he would have took care of these charges when they first arose.  Nay this guy is a terrorist and a pervert.  He will probably get off on these charges just like he got off with those women! lol  Ok that was tacky, but funny.  Prosecute and jail his pansy butt!

Sex

Yeah I'm gonna go there and we're gonna talk about it. For single and unmarried people it is dirty and pornographic. For married people it is a work of freakin art.  Yes that’s right, married people and sex are rarely in the same sentence. I'm kinda worried that a bolt of lightning is going to strike me now because I put them in the same sentence! Before you're married, you have sex because you want to or maybe even because she wants too!  LOL After your married you have sex because you took out the trash or made the bed without being told to.  Yeah it is treated as a reward and we're ok with that.   I remember having conversations with adults before I had children and they would say thank god for nap times and long cartoons.  I thought man these people are freaks, why not wait until bedtime and do it like normal people.  Because at bedtime you're both so freakin tired that the feel of your pillow feels just as good as your spouse!  Or maybe cause at bedtime there is a miniature person sleeping right between you and your former lover.  It was only after I had children that I learned to truly appreciate Walt Disney.  He really was the man.  I don't know if he ever won a Nobel Peace Prize for his work, but he should have.  It was him that kept the world spinning. Yep if it hadn't been for Ole Walt the divorce rate would be much higher than it is now.  Walt wasn’t just trying to entertain children; he was trying to entertain his wife. Yeah and when his kids got sick of one movie, he would just create another movie.  Ever wonder why most cartoons are 30 minutes long?  That’s because that’s how long it takes to seduce, make love, and cuddle to a married woman!  If a married man is getting it on a regular basis he really is an artist and has a really good imagination.  He is extremely imaginative in getting his kids distracted for a little while, he makes his wife believe that a beer belly is sexy, and he even found a way to make the house appear clean to his wife!  God bless him!

Parenthood

Parenthood-The ability to raise a screaming infant into a bigger child that no longer cries when they are hungry, craps on themselves, or smears chocolate syrup into the carpet.
Yeah that pretty much describes what it is all about.  We all want that perfect child that everyone will look at and say, "Man, that is the best looking, smartest, well behaved kid I have ever seen."  Guess what, that child is a myth created by some magazine called babies are us.  The truth is we just want our children not to eat that booger in public.  I mean that is pretty special when they learn to turn their head and pick it.  Then when no-one is looking they can wipe it under their neighbors desk at school.  Or how about when they start wiping their own butt.  There is something special about a 3 year old running into the living room with some toilet paper so you can wipe her butt for her!  I have also noticed that everyone is so wrapped up in being hip or cool parents.  Hey my children have friends their own age!  I am the parent.  When they become adults we can start switching over to the friend thingy.  I just want them not to be extremely weird, not to be the starter of the fight they are going to get in, and to do the right thing when it really counts. Yeah they are probably going to make bad grades every now and then.  I can just imagine they are going to drive fast and steal a piece of candy.  They might even drink a beer or smoke a cigarette.  I know these things are going to happen and deep down I may not be as mad as I act.  I can say I will never just let them make bad grades, drive fast, steal, drink, or smoke.  I also think that being the father of three girls it is my duty to intimidate every little boy that thinks he can try to make them do bad things. I have already decided that when I start letting Lexi date, I am going to the tombstone place and ordering a tombstone. I will place it right beside the walk way.  It will be one of those double tombstones with one side that says, "Here lies Lexi's last boyfriend!" The other side will say,"Your Name Here"  Maybe that will slow them down.  I'm not too worried about JC because she will be the bad influence and I feel sorry for the young men that makes her mad! lol  Well Laykin's boyfriends will have heard of JC and prolly be scared that JC will come after them too.  

For Starters

Well since this is my first post, I wanted to say something profound or at least intelligent.  I guess everyone that knows me is laughing cause that prolly aint gonna happen!  I figure I'll just go with what I know.  Here lately I have been noticing that there are alot of people in my life who are extremely wrapped up in themselves. You don't have to worry about them calling you or stopping by unannounced because they don't have time for anyone but themselves. So I have decided to cut these people from my life. I mean who wants to be surrounded by people that are making you do all the work right.  Well I guess I can't cut them all out because some of them are family! lol  I have friends that I can count on to help me fix a car, use as references, laugh with, party with, go on vacation with, and even bury a body if the need be.  So maybe I shouldn't try to party with my serious friends or make my party buddy bury a body.  I have decided that I will try to separate the people in my life into the category that bests fits them and leave them alone the rest of the time.  This should make all of us happy!