I confess

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even Jaycee;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with duct tape,

In hopes that the children would not pull them down again;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of snickers bars danced in their heads;

And mamma in her 'panties, and I in my skibbies,

Had just settled down for a winter's nap with the babies

When by the door, I heard someone open the dead lock,

I sprang from the bed and grabbed my Glock.

Away to the window I shot like a flash,

Bullets tore threw the shutters making a nasty gash

The blood on the breast of the new-fallen burglar

Gave the lustre of crimson on my living room furniture,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a dead driver, who wasn’t lively or quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than Christmas, my training kicked in

and I looked through my night sights at the reindeer;

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prance and Vixen!

Down, Comet! Down Cupid! Down, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the skinning rack, then mounted on my wall!

European or full shoulder mounts for you all!"

As pooling blood on the floor soaked into the carpet,

 I grabbed the body and screamed dammet;

He must've skipped out on his diet,

because I had to use the kids' wagon to haul it.

And then, in a twinkling, I had an idea,

I grabbed my shovel that I used for my career.

 I dug a shallow grave trying to not make a sound,

Down the hole St. Nicholas rolled with hands bound.

He was dressed in an old sheet from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with blood and gunpowder soot;

A bundle of toys I took off his back,

And I  used a pocket knife to open his pack.

My eyes -- how they twinkled! A budlight I did drink,

My hands were still bloody, so I washed in the sink!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when I kicked him like a bowlful of jelly.

Along came a deputy with lights a blazen,

And I got nervous when I saw him, in spite of my raisen;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And we split all the loot; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

He gave me a nod, indicating it was time to close;

I burnt his sleigh, just like an ashtray,

And in the night as the good deputy drove away.

 I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."